I have begun to believe that time is the most important commodity there is in life.
I want to tell my time what to do. I want it to listen to me. I don't always feel as though my time is my own, I have to do what is expected of me. I must satisfy a role. This brings me back to dialogue I and the question, who am I?
I have come to a point where I need to admit to myself that I don't really like being here in CA. I don't like feeling alone and feeling as though I have to maintain a facade of enjoying the new adventure. Perhaps that is why my neighboring teacher continues to ask me if I like 1st grade. Perhaps she knows better than I do that this transition is difficult. I don't want to give up on 1st grade, and I don't want to give up on myself either.
So I said it. I don't like it. It sort of down right sucks. I don't like feeling all alone. I don't like the way I perceive the seminary students walking around with an air of superiority. I don't like being out of the conversations about classes, professors, etc. I don't like that there isn't anyone here who seems to be like me, female, straight, working, married to a student that can become my instant bosom buddy.
I am blessed. I need to remember this. This may need to be my own issue and not something that I throw on Tyler. How do I get through this? How do I not grow resentful? Or act as though Tyler owes me?
I need my own community. I need people where I belong. Perhaps there is a midwesterners support group. I need to be me, and perhaps that can be the beauty of what comes from this, that I learn to maintain what is my essence, even when it doesn't seem to be anyone to share it with. I need to stay truly me.
