Syndrome.

The final post in my IBS series is syndrome. Syndrome can be defined as the pattern of symptoms that characterize or indicate a particular social condition.

The social condition I have that is the most syndrome-like is my tendency to worry. I try to use semantics to make it sound as though I want to be aware of my circumstances and be prepared and have plans, all things that sound wonderful. But I worry for no reason. I have the day off and I have things that need to be accomplished and instead of getting around to them, I worry about them. I worry what people think about me because I am sitting on my couch instead of doing them. I worry that Tyler will be mad at me. I worry about my dog throwing up this morning and that I should call the vet. I worry that what I am doing for my friend's wedding is not going to turn out. I worry about school. I worry about moving. I worry about getting an apartment. I worry about moving out of this apartment. I worry about getting a job. I worry about telling my students that I am leaving. I worry about church stuff. I worry about my vacation. I worry about my intestines. I worry about my weight. I worry about my hair. I worry about the car. I worry about what I am going to eat.

Ultimately, I worry that I am not good enough. I come off as a confident person, but the truth is that I fake it really well.

How do I combat the feeling of being inadequate? I can tell myself over and over again that I am good enough, just the way I am, but I don't necessarily believe it. What can I do to actually believe it?

I feel small whispers inside myself that say: Take risks. Take care of yourself. Don't be scared.

I am going to take that as the answer.

Bowel.

I am a gut person. I trust my gut because it has never given me a bad answer. It allows me to be a decisive person and react in situations that need gut-reactions. Perhaps because I am a gut person, I am more sensitive about my gut being out of sync.

There is a system of deciphering people that deals with personality types. These types are assigned numbers as names. I am a 8. A eight is someone who operates out of a gut center. I have been reading about this system and the book I am reading suggested that as an eight it would be helpful to write an autobiography in order to determine certain triggers from early life experiences. I have been very hesitant about this idea because I like who I am and I don't want to go poking around in the past looking for things to blame for who I am.

I jokingly blame Fargo for making me sick. It is probably linked to it because of eating different food, water, etc. But also my family was in Fargo. And they stress me out like no other. Not that I want to blame them or Fargo for this, but I do think that in order to better understand myself and be healthy, I need to figure out how to not let my family stress me out. Can writing about my life and thinking about my childhood help?

I am undecided. I do know that I don't want to upset my gut like this again.

Irritable.

In thinking about this whole gut/constipation/IBS stuff, it makes me think that I need to strive more so for balance because I can be irritable when I am stressed and not in balance. Irritable is the first part of IBS, so I figure that is the first part to think about. Next post, bowel....

I took two days off with this whole episode. Which is not something I would normally do. But having two body systems be irritated with me at the same time caught my attention. Caught my attention in a real way that made me realize that I wasn't paying attention to my present. I was so fixated about the future or on survival that I wasn't thinking about living in the day, let alone enjoying the day. For example: I was taking Basil on a long walk because she needs it and I needed it. I was looking at the trees and wondering when the leaves got so big. It is like I have been in a haze for a while and now coming out of it and noticing beauty that has been here but I hadn't picked up on it.

Also in these two days I had a thought about priorities. I had this crazy idea that this is how I should try my priorities:
1. Me.
2. Mine.
3. Them.

I need to take care of me and mine before I worry about them and their's.

I want to be healthy and content. I want to live simply and at peace. Can these new priorities do that? I don't know. But I am going to try.

Constipation.

Since this isn't public, I will be honest. I am constipated. Like, bad. I went to the doctor's and they were impressed by my amount of constipation. It isn't a very comfortable state to be in.

I am home from work. I feel like I need a mental health day, a catch-up on school work day, and a cleaning day. I was making breakfast and thought, hey I can do all 3! It will be great. I can't do all three. I am not all that good at multi-tasking. I need rest. I can tell you that. Our apartment needs to be cleaned. That is for sure. I also need to feel prepared for teaching, that when I am prepared I am far less stressed out.

Can the constipation be a metaphor for something? As though I am trying to cram way too much into my life, that it can't get all out correctly.

I need to take care of me. I need to take care of my home, of my family. I need to calm the fuck down. Take it easy. Prioritize.

I need to take care of my body so that it stops freaking out on me. That will be number one on the To Do list for today.