I read on an organizational blog that moving is in the top 10 most stressful event, right up there with divorce and death.
This explains a lot. I am in a place that is beyond worry and it is called anxiety. I am anxious that we won't find a place to live and that I won't find a job. I am anxious that we will move and not be able to afford to live there. I am anxious that we won't move well, that we won't get the best deal for moving and that we will disappoint people by not saying good-bye adequately. I am anxious about getting a CA teaching credential. I am anxious about moving our retirement money.
Ultimately, I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of taking this risk of moving far away and starting new things and that we fail. I am super excited about living in California and I am afraid that it won't live up to my expectations. I am afraid of being disappointed.
How is it that we can be both excited for change and terrified by it? How the hell does that work? What do you do about it? I don't want to drive myself nuts, I want to be present in the Chicago and now but also be prepared for the then and California so that I don't have any sort of meltdowns.
Perhaps meltdowns and moves should be expected. They just go together. Fuck.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Granola + Ice Cream = Healthy?
It is blasting hot out. I wanted ice cream. I put granola on it. Does that make it healthy?
It hit the spot. I don't do it often. Yet, I feel guilty about it. I just want a little bit of me time. Time to unwind, but I feel guilty about it. There are many things that I should do. But I want (in my head) to just relax. I don't know if I will allow myself to do that.
Perhaps that has been part of my issue about getting myself so stressed out as of late. I never allow myself to just relax. Be at rest. There will always be things that need to be done. I could always be doing something more productive. But sometimes I need to relax.
In yoga class last night, it hit me that at yoga all that I need to worry about is my breathing. My focus is my breathing. I only needed to focus on that and go at my own pace. I desire to have it so that I focus on one thing and go at my own pace through all of life. And it isn't even just one thing, it is focus on what I need to do at the task at hand.
Just breath.
It hit the spot. I don't do it often. Yet, I feel guilty about it. I just want a little bit of me time. Time to unwind, but I feel guilty about it. There are many things that I should do. But I want (in my head) to just relax. I don't know if I will allow myself to do that.
Perhaps that has been part of my issue about getting myself so stressed out as of late. I never allow myself to just relax. Be at rest. There will always be things that need to be done. I could always be doing something more productive. But sometimes I need to relax.
In yoga class last night, it hit me that at yoga all that I need to worry about is my breathing. My focus is my breathing. I only needed to focus on that and go at my own pace. I desire to have it so that I focus on one thing and go at my own pace through all of life. And it isn't even just one thing, it is focus on what I need to do at the task at hand.
Just breath.
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