Easiest First.

There is a teacher that I work with who uses this strategy for tackling a To-Do list. I don't know why he does it. I don't know if it is a conscious choice either. I decided to follow his lead yesterday with my mini to-do list. And guess what? It worked!

I have a bit of a larger to-do list for today. But I am going to attempt this strategy as well. I will need to change my list for the week. I feel like I am getting sick, and I need to be honest about what I can do. And I need to be okay with not being able to control all things and adjusting to it. Life goes on. Life is better if I don't try to force the not feasible on myself. I am capable of doing things, I just need to be honest about what I can accomplish and what is the most life-giving of things to do on my To-Do list.

Life goes on.

Week off list.

I have a week off. It is much needed. I do though need to get things done as well. I can be incredibly ambitious in what I think that I can accomplish in my days/life. I then get super disappointed in myself when it isn't accomplished. You would think I would learn, since I do that almost every time I have free time. Expectations please become acquainted with reality. Okay, thanks.

List:
- Make school plans to get through at least the next two weeks.
- Go to school on Monday and clean.  Not happening. Life goes on.
- Work on France trip.
- Make mantel decoration.
- Clean.
- Laundry. Bring the rest to Ann and Larry's.
- Bake something.
- Work in the little yard.
- Study for test.
- Take test on Tuesday.
- Doctor's appointment on Monday.
- Hang out with Molly.
- Call Sarah.
- Go for a walk.
- Work on furniture needs.
- Paint my nails.
- Plan out Christmas gifts.
- Go to Target.
- Grocery shop.

Getting that out makes me feel relieved. Perhaps it is doable. I will hold myself to a measure of grace, not perfection.

Worry.

In writing out how I spent my time, I believe it has made me better about choosing how to spend my time. Perhaps there is some sort of accountability in writing it out.

Realizations from this: I can be indecisive which leads to procrastination. I am indecisive because of worry. Worry is the root of my issue. How does one combat worry?

7:00 am- Woke up. Tyler drove me to work so that he could get the car fixed.

8:20-8:40 am- I wrote another parent letter. I need to send the two out.

1:00 pm- Kids went home. It was a good day at school. Wednesdays are always a good day. I went to a union meeting, I don't know if that was the best use of my time, but I felt like it was good to have my face seen and see what is going on.

2:15 pm- PD. Stupid. Most PDs are. I started taking notes that I thought were useful for me, but it was off-task behavior, but I don't want to waste my time.

3:30 pm- Talked with kindergarten and 2nd grade teachers. This was good. Kindergarten teacher seems stressed. Because we all are, but she seemed especially overwhelmed.

4:00 pm- BTSA coach. I wasn't particularly looking forward to this, but it was really good. I need to make this a useful thing for my teaching and not just something to get through. It is all about perspective, right?

5:30 pm- Tyler picked me up. We were talking in the car and it dawned on me that he is super stressed. It started making me think that I need to be mindful of doing things to make his life less stressful. Another realization with all of this time mindfulness: expectations need to meet reality. I will not ever win an award for super-wife. I will never be able to work and keep house perfectly. Expectation vs. reality.

Dinner- Talked about this with Tyler. He made it clear that this is not his expectation of me and that we are still working on adjusting to life as married couple of full-time worker, full-time student. How do I let go of unrealistic expectations of myself? I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection.

After-dinner- dishes and more stuff for our trip to France. Wasted time looking at someone's blog that I went to college with. That wasn't useful, all it did was lead to judging. Looked at pinterest, sent an email to teachers, and an email to a friend. I like it when day-to-day life includes meaningful conversations. Now I am here. It is 10:14 pm. I should probably do some school work, but I have no interest  in said school work. I am tired and want to relax. We shall see.

#2.

6:45 am- Woke up, showered, coffee, got ready.

7:40 am- Drove to work. I was disappointed it took me so long to get out of the apartment. Perhaps I need to be realistic about how long it takes me to get up and out the door.

8:00 am-9:35 am- Worked on a parent newsletter for way too long and wrote a parent letter for all of 1st grade for our first field trip.

9:35 am-10:35 am- Phonics and reader's workshop. I was not set up for the day, so some instructional time was missed. Need to keep the day's prep time sacred.

10:50-11:50 am- Writing and IWT. I was so annoyed with the kids, I just wanted them to leave me alone. It isn't just me, other teachers are also annoyed with their students. Perhaps it is just this week?

Lunch- Ate my soup in about 5 minutes. Talked with another teacher, that took a bit of time but it was good to know that I am not alone in the annoyance of kids. Not a waste of time? Got ready for math and ELD. Was a bit rushed. It worked to have the elmo set up during lunch. Thought of having it set up all day. May try it.

12:40 pm- ELD. Second grade boys are pushing buttons.

1:20 pm- My people. They are wild in the afternoon. What to do? Taught math, skipped PE, did math game. Was able to work one on one with a student who needed the extra support. That was beneficial.

2:50 pm- Talked about behavior and handed out paper. Dismissed students.

3:30 pm- Cleaned room and talked with 2nd grade teacher again. Sat at my kidney table feeling defeated about classroom management and feeling like I won't get ahead/catch up with my class.

4:00 pm- Drove to the post office. I had to get a letter. I was worried about it because it was from Oakland schools, but it ended up being something I already knew. I need to follow up on it. That is on the agenda for tonight.

4:45 pm- Walked Basil. It was good to take a long walk.

5:30 pm- Weeded my garden in the dark. The plants needed water and desperately need to be weeded. Trying to think through my funk of these past two days and what to do with my evening/time. I don't want it to be consumed with my job, but at the same time I feel so behind, that it is becoming hopeless. I think I figured out why my mom weeds and cleans and such. It gives you a sense of control. I think that is one of my things, I have a need to feel in control.

6:00 pm- Got on the computer to write this. Was distracted by facebook. Wasted about 20 minutes. Need to work on that. I am going to make dinner now and wash some dishes. I do need to decide what to do for the evening. No procrastinating. It doesn't help.

I made dinner, it took forever. My dad called in the middle of my dinner making, that was a plus. I did some dishes and looked at stuff on the computer for our trip to France/Italy.

Our lights were out on the car, and it messed up picking up Tyler and I cried. Tyler reminded me that it wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it was an additional thing that I did not need nor wanted to deal with. We ended the night with ice cream and killing time watching gospel youtube videos. Went to bed too late, at 11:45 pm.

Time.

What I did today as I remember it:

6:50 am- Get out of bed. I checked the weather on my phone, which felt like wasted time, but in the end helped me decide to wear something different and I think that was a smart choice. Got dressed, washed my face, packed a lunch, put makeup on. I typically am more organized the night before for the morning, it took me the same amount of time today to do less things than I typically do.

7:19 am- Left the apt.

7:33 am- Got coffee. This took 13 minutes, it annoyed me that it took so long. But I was happy I got coffee.

Right before 8 am- Arrived at school. I was happy I was at school before 8 am. Got ready for the day: made homework copies and then set up the morning. Talked with people about principal drama, this wasted time. I need to not talk about drama. Shit needs to get done.

8:40 am- I took my students to the assembly. Started my teaching day. Checked homework, this was unplanned, not entirely sure why I chose to do it. Taught phonics, reader's workshop, and did a read aloud.

10:35 am- Recess. I went to the bathroom and I don't remember. Taught reading and IWT.

11:50 am- Took students to lunch. One student stayed in for lunch and recess. His behavior annoys me and I don't think he even knows he is doing it all the time.

12:40 pm- ELD. Went better than I expected. I am grateful for sample lessons.

1:20 pm- Read aloud. I don't think the students really like it. Need to figure out this regroup activity better.

1:30 pm- Math. Not so good.

2:20 pm- PE. We did some outside math, that was a positive. We played duck, duck, goose because I was too tired to do anything else. Some students don't like it because they don't get to participate. I don't blame them. I just don't have a better answer.

2:40 pm- More math. I had it in my head that I could do assessments during this time, it didn't work out. I was too tired to deal with it and also needed to get the homework taken care of. I need to tape off the window. I didn't appreciate the parents being early and looking in my window at me doing my thing and the students doing their's. I always feel like parents expect the teacher to be doing something with the kids at all times. I see their kids more than they do.

3:10 pm- Hand out homework and raffle tickets.

3:15 pm- Scrabble to put together students' packet of work. I left it to the last minute because I didn't know what to do about it. I was late to a meeting because of this procrastination. How does one not put things off just because she doesn't want to do it or know  how to do it?

3:40 pm- Meeting with volunteer. Hopefully it is a worthwhile experience. Talk a little bit with kindergarten teacher. She also had a crazy day, it made me think that mine wasn't so bad. Her classroom is more organized than mine. She has been teaching longer, but is still new to the school/Oakland. I am jealous of her more organized classroom. Sometimes I feel defeated that it won't get better, so why bother. We talked about stupid paperwork that has to be done for the principal. The question becomes make it worthwhile and invest in it because it is sound teaching practice or just bullshit the principal.

4:15 pm- Wander back to my room. Talk with 5th grade teacher and rehash some drama and learn new gossip. What good did this do? This is a stretch, but others perhaps learned from my mistake. Talk with the 2nd grade teachers. Not necessary for my life, but I like them. Is that a good enough reason?

4:45 pm- Realize that I need to go and get my stuff together. Go to the bathroom and drive to get Tyler. Talk to my mom on the phone. I have a tendency to multi-task while talking to her, she does the same to me. Does this say that this person is not important enough to just talk to that person?

5 something- Get Tyler. Talk to a friend in the parking lot. Go grocery shopping. Talk about our days. Grocery shopping always takes forever. I wish there was a way to speed it up.

6:46 pm- Get home. I am happy we got home before 7 pm. Tyler takes out dog and I start dinner and put away groceries. The kitchen is a disaster. We were gone and there are almost week old dishes in the sink. It is stress-relieving to wash them. to feel as though I am accomplishing something. We eat, talk, and then clean up the table. I put lunch things and breakfast together and clean out the coffee pot for tomorrow.

Basically 8 pm- Tyler goes and does work and has been working ever since. I get on the computer and start wasting time. I have looked at blogs, pinterest, and facebook since turning the computer on. I had turned it on to send a work email. Ha. Pretty much have spent the past 2 hours vegging out. I feel stuck, I don't know if I should go to paid planning time for ELD tomorrow or go to the post office and come home and water my plants. I don't know which is a better use of my time? Instead of answering that question for myself I have been avoiding it. This is how one wastes two hours, from avoidance and procrastination.

Pros of going to paid planning time:
- extra money
- 2 hours dedicated to planning
- Potentially get ELD kit
- Get to work ahead in ELD

Cons of going:
- late evening
- can't go to the post office until Friday/Saturday

Pros of coming home:
- Go to the post office- peace of mind over mail
- Water plants
- Come home earlier

Cons of coming home:
- No extra money
- Not planning ahead in ELD

My indecision about 2 hours had put me in a grumpy/tired place for these 2 past hours. I think the thing that will be the best for me is to come home and go to the post office and have the peace of mind of getting my certified mail.

I am just tired though. I am tired of teaching work that has to be done at home. I am tired of not fully relaxing. I don't work well at this time after dinner, when I get in bed and chill out. Maybe I need to not get in bed? Maybe I need to not stress myself out with the expectation that I will get work done on weeknights at home? Have certain evenings off and that is ok?

10:25 pm- Typing this. Going to go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

Time. Transition.

I have begun to believe that time is the most important commodity there is in  life.
I want to tell my time what to do. I want it to listen to me. I don't always feel as though my time is my own, I have to do what is expected of me. I must satisfy a role. This brings me back to dialogue I and the question, who am I?

I have come to a point where I need to admit to myself that I don't really like being here in CA. I don't like feeling alone and feeling as though I have to maintain a facade of enjoying the new adventure. Perhaps that is why my neighboring teacher continues to ask me if I like 1st grade. Perhaps she knows better than I do that this transition is difficult. I don't want to give up on 1st grade, and I don't want to give up on myself either.

So I said it. I don't like it. It sort of down right sucks. I don't like feeling all alone. I don't like the way I perceive the seminary students walking around with an air of superiority. I don't like being out of the conversations about classes, professors, etc. I don't like that there isn't anyone here who seems to be like me, female, straight, working, married to a student that can become my instant bosom buddy.

I am blessed. I need to remember this. This may need to be my own issue and not something that I throw on Tyler. How do I get through this? How do I not grow resentful? Or act as though Tyler owes me?

I need my own community. I need people where I belong. Perhaps there is a midwesterners support group. I need to be me, and perhaps that can be the beauty of what comes from this, that I learn to maintain what is my essence, even when it doesn't seem to be anyone to share it with. I need to stay truly me.

I don't want to.

I don't want to.

I don't want to have to go back to work. I don't want to be stressed out. I want to live into joy and peace. I don't want to worry. I don't want to feel like a failure. I don't want to feel as though I am not good enough. I don't want to feel overwhelmed. I don't want to feel as though I can't do it well. I don't want to feel off-balanced.

My weeks and weekends have such different speeds. I love my weekends. Which maybe that is the blessing, and I need to relish the rest. Will the rest sustain me? Can I allow it to sustain me?

This is a beautiful life. I am truly blessed. I need to live into that.

Top 10.

I read on an organizational blog that moving is in the top 10 most stressful event, right up there with divorce and death.

This explains a lot. I am in a place that is beyond worry and it is called anxiety. I am anxious that we won't find a place to live and that I won't find a job. I am anxious that we will move and not be able to afford to live there. I am anxious that we won't move well, that we won't get the best deal for moving and that we will disappoint people by not saying good-bye adequately. I am anxious about getting a CA teaching credential. I am anxious about moving our retirement money.

Ultimately, I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of taking this risk of moving far away and starting new things and that we fail. I am super excited about living in California and I am afraid that it won't live up to my expectations. I am afraid of being disappointed.

How is it that we can be both excited for change and terrified by it? How the hell does that work? What do you do about it? I don't want to drive myself nuts, I want to be present in the Chicago and now but also be prepared for the then and California so that I don't have any sort of meltdowns.

Perhaps meltdowns and moves should be expected. They just go together. Fuck.

Granola + Ice Cream = Healthy?

It is blasting hot out. I wanted ice cream. I put granola on it. Does that make it healthy?

It hit the spot. I don't do it often. Yet, I feel guilty about it. I just want a little bit of me time. Time to unwind, but I feel guilty about it. There are many things that I should do. But I want (in my head) to just relax. I don't know if I will allow myself to do that.

Perhaps that has been part of my issue about getting myself so stressed out as of late. I never allow myself to just relax. Be at rest. There will always be things that need to be done. I could always be doing something more productive. But sometimes I need to relax.

In yoga class last night, it hit me that at yoga all that I need to worry about is my breathing. My focus is my breathing. I only needed to focus on that and go at my own pace. I desire to have it so that I focus on one thing and go at my own pace through all of life. And it isn't even just one thing, it is focus on what I need to do at the task at hand.

Just breath.

Syndrome.

The final post in my IBS series is syndrome. Syndrome can be defined as the pattern of symptoms that characterize or indicate a particular social condition.

The social condition I have that is the most syndrome-like is my tendency to worry. I try to use semantics to make it sound as though I want to be aware of my circumstances and be prepared and have plans, all things that sound wonderful. But I worry for no reason. I have the day off and I have things that need to be accomplished and instead of getting around to them, I worry about them. I worry what people think about me because I am sitting on my couch instead of doing them. I worry that Tyler will be mad at me. I worry about my dog throwing up this morning and that I should call the vet. I worry that what I am doing for my friend's wedding is not going to turn out. I worry about school. I worry about moving. I worry about getting an apartment. I worry about moving out of this apartment. I worry about getting a job. I worry about telling my students that I am leaving. I worry about church stuff. I worry about my vacation. I worry about my intestines. I worry about my weight. I worry about my hair. I worry about the car. I worry about what I am going to eat.

Ultimately, I worry that I am not good enough. I come off as a confident person, but the truth is that I fake it really well.

How do I combat the feeling of being inadequate? I can tell myself over and over again that I am good enough, just the way I am, but I don't necessarily believe it. What can I do to actually believe it?

I feel small whispers inside myself that say: Take risks. Take care of yourself. Don't be scared.

I am going to take that as the answer.

Bowel.

I am a gut person. I trust my gut because it has never given me a bad answer. It allows me to be a decisive person and react in situations that need gut-reactions. Perhaps because I am a gut person, I am more sensitive about my gut being out of sync.

There is a system of deciphering people that deals with personality types. These types are assigned numbers as names. I am a 8. A eight is someone who operates out of a gut center. I have been reading about this system and the book I am reading suggested that as an eight it would be helpful to write an autobiography in order to determine certain triggers from early life experiences. I have been very hesitant about this idea because I like who I am and I don't want to go poking around in the past looking for things to blame for who I am.

I jokingly blame Fargo for making me sick. It is probably linked to it because of eating different food, water, etc. But also my family was in Fargo. And they stress me out like no other. Not that I want to blame them or Fargo for this, but I do think that in order to better understand myself and be healthy, I need to figure out how to not let my family stress me out. Can writing about my life and thinking about my childhood help?

I am undecided. I do know that I don't want to upset my gut like this again.

Irritable.

In thinking about this whole gut/constipation/IBS stuff, it makes me think that I need to strive more so for balance because I can be irritable when I am stressed and not in balance. Irritable is the first part of IBS, so I figure that is the first part to think about. Next post, bowel....

I took two days off with this whole episode. Which is not something I would normally do. But having two body systems be irritated with me at the same time caught my attention. Caught my attention in a real way that made me realize that I wasn't paying attention to my present. I was so fixated about the future or on survival that I wasn't thinking about living in the day, let alone enjoying the day. For example: I was taking Basil on a long walk because she needs it and I needed it. I was looking at the trees and wondering when the leaves got so big. It is like I have been in a haze for a while and now coming out of it and noticing beauty that has been here but I hadn't picked up on it.

Also in these two days I had a thought about priorities. I had this crazy idea that this is how I should try my priorities:
1. Me.
2. Mine.
3. Them.

I need to take care of me and mine before I worry about them and their's.

I want to be healthy and content. I want to live simply and at peace. Can these new priorities do that? I don't know. But I am going to try.

Constipation.

Since this isn't public, I will be honest. I am constipated. Like, bad. I went to the doctor's and they were impressed by my amount of constipation. It isn't a very comfortable state to be in.

I am home from work. I feel like I need a mental health day, a catch-up on school work day, and a cleaning day. I was making breakfast and thought, hey I can do all 3! It will be great. I can't do all three. I am not all that good at multi-tasking. I need rest. I can tell you that. Our apartment needs to be cleaned. That is for sure. I also need to feel prepared for teaching, that when I am prepared I am far less stressed out.

Can the constipation be a metaphor for something? As though I am trying to cram way too much into my life, that it can't get all out correctly.

I need to take care of me. I need to take care of my home, of my family. I need to calm the fuck down. Take it easy. Prioritize.

I need to take care of my body so that it stops freaking out on me. That will be number one on the To Do list for today.

Plateau of Melancholy

We have an Eastertide Meditation booklet from St. Peter's and I love it. It allows me to see the people who are my community of faith in a whole new way. 

NDR wrote today about the depths of sorrow and the heights of joy. My thought was, what do you do if feel stuck in a plateau of melancholy? The part that frustrates me about this is that Easter was two days ago. I have no reason to feel this way. 

I am a blessed person. Things are going well, there are amazing things waiting in the near future. I am living a life that I am "happy" to call my own. Yet here I am. Feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious and worn-out. I frustrate myself because I do things that I know are not the most productive use of my time and seem to have the inability to make myself do the things that I need to do. 

What are at the root of these feelings? I am not powerless to deal with them. This too will end. 

How does one truly rely on God for strength and courage? How does one truly cast their anchor upwards?  

I am not perfect.

I am not perfect. I will never be perfect.

I am a good creation. I am a beautiful, vivacious, funny, compassionate, and intense person.

There are so many better adjectives than perfect.

I will screw up. Tyler and I will screw up.

It feels cliche to say this, life has both ups and downs. There are times when I am walking along or sitting somewhere and I am so overwhelmed by the blessings in my life. In the same manner, I can feel so overwhelmed by how at times it feels like nothing is going right. I don't like the extremes. I feel that I am at my most grateful when I am overwhelmed by the blessings, I don't want that to go away. How can I be more grateful when it seems like nothing is going right?

Grace. Gracious. Grateful. Those all must come from the same latin root. How can I have more of grace in my life?

I guess someone can see this.

I don't really want anyone to see this. As in I don't want to have to be honest and share it with people. This is just mine.

Two things that stem from when I got pissed off at Tyler this morning:

1) I come first- I don't know if it is jealousy or if I need to trust Tyler more, but I have a need to know that I come first in his life. That when it comes down to choosing "sides" or people, that I am chosen. In the moment of this morning, I was mad. I was fighting mad. When I thought it through, I know at the end of the day that I am the one he chooses. Is it that I need it clear to the person that I feel like I am competing with that he chooses me? As though I need a public display of him choosing me? As selfish and immature as that may now sound to me, perhaps yes. Lets call it boundaries and that sounds better.  

2) This is my break in life- I somehow have this idea in my head that Tyler is my break in life. That even though the circumstances that I grew up in weren't the greatest and I perhaps have this twisted sense of self-importance of all I did of taking care of people in those circumstances, that now marrying him is my break in life. Now life is easy and he is going to take care of me. Who is taking care of him then? It needs to be mutual and it is completely unfair to him if I operate in this mentality. Yet I do. I am taking advantage of him and at some point he will be fed up with it. What do I do about this?

My friend Anna is the person that I know who is the best at trusting the unknown. She was always assuring me that things will work out, that they always do somehow. I feel as though all trust to some extent is trusting an unknown. Be it trusting an unknown part of a person, this "being" part of the human that you can't see or touch, but which makes vows and promises, spoken and unspoken. That it is faith in the places beyond reach.

Do not worry.