Top 10.

I read on an organizational blog that moving is in the top 10 most stressful event, right up there with divorce and death.

This explains a lot. I am in a place that is beyond worry and it is called anxiety. I am anxious that we won't find a place to live and that I won't find a job. I am anxious that we will move and not be able to afford to live there. I am anxious that we won't move well, that we won't get the best deal for moving and that we will disappoint people by not saying good-bye adequately. I am anxious about getting a CA teaching credential. I am anxious about moving our retirement money.

Ultimately, I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of taking this risk of moving far away and starting new things and that we fail. I am super excited about living in California and I am afraid that it won't live up to my expectations. I am afraid of being disappointed.

How is it that we can be both excited for change and terrified by it? How the hell does that work? What do you do about it? I don't want to drive myself nuts, I want to be present in the Chicago and now but also be prepared for the then and California so that I don't have any sort of meltdowns.

Perhaps meltdowns and moves should be expected. They just go together. Fuck.