I guess someone can see this.

I don't really want anyone to see this. As in I don't want to have to be honest and share it with people. This is just mine.

Two things that stem from when I got pissed off at Tyler this morning:

1) I come first- I don't know if it is jealousy or if I need to trust Tyler more, but I have a need to know that I come first in his life. That when it comes down to choosing "sides" or people, that I am chosen. In the moment of this morning, I was mad. I was fighting mad. When I thought it through, I know at the end of the day that I am the one he chooses. Is it that I need it clear to the person that I feel like I am competing with that he chooses me? As though I need a public display of him choosing me? As selfish and immature as that may now sound to me, perhaps yes. Lets call it boundaries and that sounds better.  

2) This is my break in life- I somehow have this idea in my head that Tyler is my break in life. That even though the circumstances that I grew up in weren't the greatest and I perhaps have this twisted sense of self-importance of all I did of taking care of people in those circumstances, that now marrying him is my break in life. Now life is easy and he is going to take care of me. Who is taking care of him then? It needs to be mutual and it is completely unfair to him if I operate in this mentality. Yet I do. I am taking advantage of him and at some point he will be fed up with it. What do I do about this?

My friend Anna is the person that I know who is the best at trusting the unknown. She was always assuring me that things will work out, that they always do somehow. I feel as though all trust to some extent is trusting an unknown. Be it trusting an unknown part of a person, this "being" part of the human that you can't see or touch, but which makes vows and promises, spoken and unspoken. That it is faith in the places beyond reach.

Do not worry.